The Boundaried Path: Getting to know yourself while letting others in.
Imagine you live in a house surrounded by a fence. Just beyond that fence is a path, which people can use to walk right past your yard, or through it and into your home.
Someone approaches your walkway—who is it? Do you open the gate and let them into your front yard? What about the front door? Do they have access to all the rooms in your house, or only certain rooms at certain times? How do you feel about the access they have? What would need to happen for you to ask them to change rooms, leave the house, or for their access to be revoked entirely?
This house metaphor is one of my favourites to reflect on when thinking about boundaries. Boundaries are that invisible line between you and another person or situation, navigating the balance between protection (honouring your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being) and connection (being open to intimacy and relationships). Essentially, boundaries allow you to let someone in and get to know you on a deeper level.
How protected and connected do you want to feel at any given moment? You can see why this question might be a source of inner tension, especially if you tend to overprotect (think putting up walls, fortress-like; known as rigid boundaries) or overconnect (think sacrificing yourself for the sake of connection, doormat-like; known as porous boundaries).
Reading this, you might assume that a healthy boundary is a 50/50 split between protection and connection. While it certainly can be, that’s not always the case. A healthy boundary is one that supports your well-being, allowing you to stay connected with yourself and others in a way that nourishes you and honours your dignity.
What’s “healthy” for you might change depending on the person, situation, or stage of life that you’re in. Just like how you are constantly changing, your boundaries follow suit; they are fluid and personal, requiring a combination of self-awareness and adaptability to be known and expressed effectively.
Boundaries serve another function—they help you get your values and needs met.
To go in-depth on values and needs would require another blogpost, but in a nutshell: Values are like your inner compass. They are guiding principles that influence your behaviour and reflect what’s meaningful to you. Needs, on the other hand, are requirements for your survival and well-being. Unmet needs usually give rise to some sort of emotional reactivity, which can harm your relationships if you’re not prepared to handle what’s coming up within you.
Also, values and needs can be conscious (meaning you’re aware of them) or unconscious. Again, you can imagine the further tension that arises when you have an underlying need that you’re not even aware of. Sometimes your values and needs can even conflict with each other. It’s quite the intricate dance.
Returning to boundaries, it’s no surprise they can feel overwhelming. You’re constantly trying to navigate the tension between protection and connection, while also trying to live in alignment with your values and meet your needs—all while being in different degrees of relationship with others who are trying to do the same thing, in their own unique ways. And to top it all off, you may not even be aware of your values and needs at all.
So… what can you do? How do you create and express boundaries that truly support you and the life you want to live?
The key is to know yourself.
This means doing your inner work and building an intimate relationship with the complex being that you are, so you can begin to cultivate the awareness, acceptance, and empowerment you need to address and heal your wounds and build self-worth.
To begin, here are some questions to reflect on:
1. What comes up for you when you set, or think of setting, boundaries generally? Are there any thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, memories, or images that arise?
2. Where did you learn about boundaries growing up? Who were your “role models” and what did you learn (whether healthy or unhealthy)?
3. What kind of boundaries do you want to set going forward? What would these boundaries look like and feel like in action, and how can you support yourself along the way? Try to be as specific as possible—it is difficult to move toward something you haven’t claimed for yourself yet.
You can also start to think of your values (What makes life meaningful to you?) and practice getting to know what your needs are throughout the day, beginning to notice how they affect your inner (and outer) world.
Consider your relationship with anger.
Consider your relationship with your power.
The more you come to understand yourself and the patterns that play out in your life, the more honestly you can look at the role you play—increasing your self-responsibility and giving you more power to change what no longer serves you.
No matter where you’re at in your boundary work or growth journey, whether you’ve just started or are years in, practice leaning into self-compassion. Compassion is the sweet honey of personal growth work. Trust that you’ve done the best you could with what you had, and this present moment is the perfect opportunity to build a deeper connection with yourself so you can experience the same with others too.
If you need support in navigating or better understanding your boundaries, feel free to reach out through my contact form www.alexandracreery.com/connect to continue the conversation.
Take care of yourself.
Sources:
What are boundaries and why do I need them? by Dr. Sharon Martin (What Are Boundaries and Why Do I Need Them? - Live Well with Sharon Martin)
Boundaries: The key to protection, connection, and self-worth by Anna MacGillivray (Boundaries: The Key to Protection, Connection, and Self-Worth — Nimble Counselling - Vancouver Therapy Services)
There are 3 types of personal boundaries (▷ There are 3 types of personal boundaries, but only one is healthy)
How to define your values + set clear boundaries by Dr. Andrea Pennington (How to define your values + set clear boundaries - Thrive Global)
Aligning your values & needs when it comes to setting boundaries (Aligning Your Values & Needs When Setting & Communicating Boundaries - Grace Mastered)
Basis of Nonviolent Communication by Inbal and Miki Kashtan (Basics of Nonviolent Communication – BayNVC)